The Tudor Times V3 N1

(Sugar Land, Texas) Since the very beginning of the HEFL, Elijah Pitts has been known as "Touchdown Man" for the Green Bay Packers. While the team has suffered through dismal seasons, they could always count on Pitts to provide some bright spots and spectacular kickoff and punt returns. Green Bay won the toss and had Pitts positioned to do his magic once again to start the season off on a bright note. But, the only brightness, it turned out, would be the glare blazing from the stars on the Cowboys helmets! Efrin Herrera kicked off for Dallas and was so quick getting down the field he nailed Pitts shutting him down for an embarrassing 6-yard return. Hardaway was using last year's amber hog leg Tudor original Packers for this game, while Mark Robin used a new 1976 Dallas Cowboy squad. Herrera had a killer base tweaked by Mike Pratt and from his original and legendary Kansas City Chiefs team. "I'm going to suffer some serious psychological damage in trying to deal with that base!" Coach Hardaway lamented. "I've never seen a base that fast!"

As has been tradition, much to the continuing dismay of Packer fans, Coach Hardaway had the team open up with the ground game. First carry netted a negative 3 yards as Too Tall Jones blasted through the line knowing that Pitts would be getting the ball. "This is going to be too easy," Too Tall chuckled as he went back to the Dallas Doomsday huddle. The Packers were backed up to their 3-yard line already--not a good way to start the new season. Rather than be iron-headed, as in the past, Hardaway allowed Starr to open up the passing game right away. However, the only thing that opened up was the offensive line as Starr went down for a one-yard sack. Green Bay had a third-and-forever at their own two-yard line now.

Mark Robin then prophesied. "You know, I've never had a safety in electric football." Hardaway's face had the same expression as that when one gets the first whif of a canine SBD! Those are the worst, of course! Sure enough, Green Bay's porous line allowed any Cowboy who wanted to come through. Starr was sacked for a safety by Charlie Waters giving Dallas a baseball score to open the game up. Two zip Dallas after just 4 plays!

Green Bay then booted a safety "free" kick from their 20. It went to Robert Newhouse who matched his number on the return, reeling off 44 yards and graciously running out of bounds. "At least my defense has always been decent and has bailed the team out on many occasions," Hardaway rationalized, trying to muster up some hope with a Cowboy team already near the red zone. Newhouse carried for just two yards as Hardaway pumped fist in the air and yelled the traditional "Yes!". But, on the next play, Newhouse broke free and scooted in for a quick 14-yard touchdown, putting the Boys up 8-nothing. Dallas went for two and made it with Rodger Staubach sneaking right in. It was 10 to nada, with just one play left in the first quarter.

Lombardi lost it. "What the hell kind of football is that we're playing out there?!" he shouted. With that, Pitts was benched and #23 came in for the return. It worked, as he scampered for a respectable 40 yards before angling out of bounds. The Packers had good field position and a whole new quarter to deal with. Maybe they could put the terrors of the first quarter behind them.

(Sugar Land, Texas) No one saw it coming, but suddenly a record 5th season got underway for the Houston Electric Football League as two-time World Champion Coach Mark Robin drove in from Vidor to get

a game in with Coach Hardaway at his new home. The game was going to be played on Coach Hardaway's new Raiderman board, but much to the dismay of both coaches, there was no way to adjust the motors which were running way too hot for a game. Hardaway later discovered (weeks after the game) there is indeed a way to adjust the motors on Raiderman's boards. After a phone call to Mike Pratt, the Sultan of Tweak, Hardaway learned he could have easily adjusted the motors on the board to any level he wanted. "Pratt's a handy boat-load-o-knowledge when it comes to electric football," Hardaway commented.

Lacking the adjustment knowlege on the Raiderman board, both coaches labored for a couple of hours going through boards, including an attempt to tweak the rods in the new Miggle 620 field. Nothing seemed to be working so Coach Hardaway whipped out the very trusty Ken Allen 620 board and the game was on!

Even though new timers are included in this year's HEFL rules, they were tossed out on this occasion since it took so long just to get ready for the game.

Tudor Times: Mark Robin and no Rams! Did that mess you up?

Coach Hardaway: Not really. I remember a season when he had the Desperados, so it wasn't that big a surprise to me, especially when he picked the Cowboys.

Tudor Times: You never seem to be really prepared for the season opener every year. What's up with that?

Coach Hardaway: Tough question! Ouch! This year that was the case more than ever I think. Just moved to a new house, and I still haven't found my competition team I used in the Minnesota tournament. The LSU Tigers are hogging up my Packer bases!

Tudor Times: Do you truly think it will make a difference on the field, even if you do find the bases you are looking for, given the past track record of your Packers?

Coach Hardaway: Owwww! That's another nutsack smack! Cut me some slack how 'bout it?! Good Lawd! I look at it this way. I can't lose 'em all! Besides, there is nowhere to go but up from here. I'll borrow a line from my favorite coach, Jon Gruden: The future looks so bright I've got to wear shades!

Tudor Times: Yeah, right! What are you going to do differently to give your team a shot at winning a game this season?

Coach Hardaway: Winning a game? C'mon now, I plan to win more than one, dagnabbit! First of all, I'll find those Pratt-tweaked bases and I'll spend some real time practicing with them before my next game. That alone should do wonders to help my Packers make a notch in the win column! Going with the best figures at each position should help out too. This will be the first Buzzball/Haiti Repro Packer team to take the field.

Tudor Times: Are you ever going to beat Mark Robin?

Coach Hardaway: Next question.

Tudor Times: Are you trying to be T.O.'s next agent now?

Coach Hardaway: Somebody wants a knuckle sammich real bad! Now let me ask you a question! What's that got to do with electric football?

Tudor Times: Nothing, we're bored and ready to interview Coach Robin!

Coach Hardaway: Have at it! Don't let the door hit your backside on the way out!